Dear Santa…

Dear Santa,

Well, here it is Christmas Eve, what I presume is the busiest day of the year for you.  I was just sitting here thinking about how you must get letters on every other day but today.  Maybe some last minute requests but seriously, how lazy are those folks?  So, while sitting at work (Yeah, I have to work today.  Part of the skeleton crew here at the museum.  I know, it is a little ridiculous, you’re right.) I thought I might send you a little shout out.  Just a “hey, good luck and don’t get too overwhelmed” kind of thing.

I really have no idea what goes into today.  I mean, how early do you have to get up?  Do you even go to sleep on the 23rd?  Do you eat before you take off?  What happens if you get a stomach ache whilst delivering?  I might.  I mean, all the stress of having to get presents to EVERYONE before they wake up.  And knowing that you have to fit down the chimney even though you have slacked off a bit over the past few months and your pants are a wee bit too tight.  I know, I know, this letter isn’t really supposed to be about me but my pants are getting a little tight, Santa.  Jeez I am already getting a tummy ache.  Ok, happy place, happy place. 

Is there any way you could send me your itinerary?  I am so curious as to how you get this all done.  Frankly, I am a little inspired.  I mean, wow.  You are the Martha Stewart of Christmas.  The world’s greatest multi-tasker.  I am horrible at multi-tasking.  I concentrate on one thing at a time.  Well, I guess you do too.  One house at a time.  One tiny child/family at a time.  I must remember that.

How often do the reindeer get checkups?  My husband and I have been talking about getting a dog recently.  A St. Bernard.  I really am very excited.  I think about it a lot.  It’s nice to have something to look forward to.  I found this picture of a St. Bernard sitting at the desk of a doctor’s office with his paws on the desk.  It was quite cute.  Do the reindeer like their doctor?  Does he see St. Bernards, too?  That would be so incredible.  “Oh no, our St. Bernard sees the same vet as Santa’s reindeer.  It’s a bit off the beaten path but so worth it.”  Does your vet practice any sort of holistic medicine?  Have any of the reindeer ever had a drinking problem? 

Some of my family have battled drinking problems.  More than one Christmas has found someone passed out in the bathroom or resulted in one of us having to go look for another, in their car with a bottle of whiskey.  Not that I can blame anyone for wanting a little whiskey on Christmas.  But Wild Turkey or Jim Beam in a bag.  I mean, come on.  You can be a lush without being white trash, right?  Tis the season.

Well Santa, I really do wish you lots of luck this year.  Take some Pepto with you in case things get rough out there.  Oh and I hear the Midwest is a snow fest right now.  Take your scarf and mittens.  Do you have mittens with a little rubbery grip on the inside so as to hold onto the reigns all night?  If not, you should get some of those.  Do they make them?  Maybe I could invent them!

Merry Christmas,

Jen

P.S.  Thanks for the early heated blanket delivery.  Your elves are so sneaky.