Well, here it is Christmas Eve, what I presume is the busiest day of the year for you.  I was just sitting here thinking about how you must get letters on every other day but today.  Maybe some last minute requests but seriously, how lazy are those folks?  So, while sitting at work (Yeah, I have to work today.  Part of the skeleton crew here at the museum.  I know, it is a little ridiculous, you’re right.) I thought I might send you a little shout out.  Just a “hey, good luck and don’t get too overwhelmed” kind of thing.

I really have no idea what goes into today.  I mean, how early do you have to get up?  Do you even go to sleep on the 23rd?  Do you eat before you take off?  What happens if you get a stomach ache whilst delivering?  I might.  I mean, all the stress of having to get presents to EVERYONE before they wake up.  And knowing that you have to fit down the chimney even though you have slacked off a bit over the past few months and your pants are a wee bit too tight.  I know, I know, this letter isn’t really supposed to be about me but my pants are getting a little tight, Santa.  Jeez I am already getting a tummy ache.  Ok, happy place, happy place. 

Is there any way you could send me your itinerary?  I am so curious as to how you get this all done.  Frankly, I am a little inspired.  I mean, wow.  You are the Martha Stewart of Christmas.  The world’s greatest multi-tasker.  I am horrible at multi-tasking.  I concentrate on one thing at a time.  Well, I guess you do too.  One house at a time.  One tiny child/family at a time.  I must remember that.

How often do the reindeer get checkups?  My husband and I have been talking about getting a dog recently.  A St. Bernard.  I really am very excited.  I think about it a lot.  It’s nice to have something to look forward to.  I found this picture of a St. Bernard sitting at the desk of a doctor’s office with his paws on the desk.  It was quite cute.  Do the reindeer like their doctor?  Does he see St. Bernards, too?  That would be so incredible.  “Oh no, our St. Bernard sees the same vet as Santa’s reindeer.  It’s a bit off the beaten path but so worth it.”  Does your vet practice any sort of holistic medicine?  Have any of the reindeer ever had a drinking problem? 

Some of my family have battled drinking problems.  More than one Christmas has found someone passed out in the bathroom or resulted in one of us having to go look for another, in their car with a bottle of whiskey.  Not that I can blame anyone for wanting a little whiskey on Christmas.  But Wild Turkey or Jim Beam in a bag.  I mean, come on.  You can be a lush without being white trash, right?  Tis the season.

Well Santa, I really do wish you lots of luck this year.  Take some Pepto with you in case things get rough out there.  Oh and I hear the Midwest is a snow fest right now.  Take your scarf and mittens.  Do you have mittens with a little rubbery grip on the inside so as to hold onto the reigns all night?  If not, you should get some of those.  Do they make them?  Maybe I could invent them!

Merry Christmas,

Jen

P.S.  Thanks for the early heated blanket delivery.  Your elves are so sneaky.

This is going to be brief. It is 25 degrees outside. In Texas. That translates to being -14 in New York. Yeah, we don’t know/handle/acclimate well to severe cold weather here. So, I am going to keep what I have to say short because I am counting the minutes until I go plunge myself into 98 degree bath water. I will run the faucet once, get in, turn off the cold, turn off the hot before it runs out, do part of a crossword, turn the hot water back on (while keeping the drain open to let out any cold that may first run into my now lukewarm bath water), fill up the tub, work on my crossword a bit more/finish that article in Foreign Affairs about why those damn Russians are getting sneaky again and why Bush decided that Putin was his hand twin.

However, before I take the plunge, I am keeping my tiny feet warm with your Smart Wool medium cushion socks. These socks are one, or rather, my favorite footwear this winter. Not only when it is freezing jeebus ridiculous cold but even after a long day of shopping. Oh, not shopping as in, “Oh dahling, I am dreadfully tired from spending all this money on myself”, but as in shopping for staff members for the museum I work for. I spent 7 hours in heels walking around the mall trying to locate gifts for people. My feet were killing me. All I could think of was these dang socks and my green loafers. I almost made a stop on the way home to snatch them up along with my coat. Oh! It did get cold that day as well. Hmmm. Ok, I most enjoy your socks when it’s cold but I also enjoy them when my feet are tired.

In summary, I am thankful for you. For your sock making skills. For the genius that created the first sketches of these socks. And the for exceptional genius that made the Women’s Small small enough to actually fit my feet.

Keep up the good work!

Sincerely,

Jen Dean

I am concerned.  I’m afraid there is something going on at Chesapeake’s design department.  My fiancé and I are concerned that your eyes have been altered on the billboards displayed here in the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex.  You look strange, Tommy.  In fact, my fiancé is scared to look at you.  I have to warn him of an approaching billboard.  He gets chills, I have to cover his arms.  Sometimes even having to blow on them to try and heat them up quickly.  Last weekend he said something about poking his eyes out so he wouldn’t have to see you.  It was quite shocking and I didn’t hear all of it because I covered my ears and swerved the car a bit but it started with poking something and he was hysterical.  I am afraid that you have some weird power over the greater DFW population.  I mean, if it happens to one person, there has to be others.  Maybe it’s just me but I don’t think this is what the ad campaign was designed to accomplish.  I understand the intimidation and celebrity factors but I’m convinced there is something else behind this.  Maybe someone doesn’t know how to work Photoshop.  Maybe the billboard installers made some grave error.  Or maybe this is all part of some greater plan.  What if I’m not the only one who has to put on “ear muffs” and swerves when driving down the interstate?  What happens then?  How many lives will be lost?  Is Chesapeake paying you enough to have a massive pileup on your conscience?

Tommy, I’m frightened.

Sincerely,
Jen Milam

First of all, I am sure you had a name. But it was a dream and I don’t remember all the details. However, I will say you were not very nice. In fact, you were quite demanding. I’m guessing you worked for Prince. Seeing as we were at his summer camp in New England and you were telling me what to do. I am not sure I understand why Prince chose you though. Or, for that matter, why a metal band was going to provide the entertainment during our break from dance rehearsals. I’ll take that up with Prince though.

Let’s get back to you. Who are you? And why did I have to be the one to find all the Dr. Peppers? If you and I were to stand next to each other you would weigh about 75 pounds more than I and tower over me by at least 6 inches. So why did I have to retrieve the pallets of soda?

Was this some kind of test? Did Prince tell you to do this? Was my highly skilled dance number not proof enough that I deserved to be there? Or was this all about you. Let’s pick on the tiny girl.

Oh my, I think I figured it out. This was all about me doing what other people tell me to do, isn’t it? Not the normal, every day folk. I pretty much tell them to suck it. This is about certain people in my life who I have been adjusting the way in which I deal with because I have behaved passive aggressively and, in turn, they have taken it upon themselves to steamroll over me. No wonder I didn’t go get your Dr. Peppers.

Well, thank you. I apologize if my tone was harsh in the beginning. You can visit me in my dreams anytime to teach me lessons about life. But don’t get any ideas or anything. I sleep in the nude but that’s not an invitation.

Sincerely

Jen Milam

Dear Paxton,

I saw you today at the Kimbell Art Museum. I was reminded of a time I saw Diane Keaton at our museum. Do you know Diane Keaton? She’s not a bad actress. She’s quite tiny in person. And obviously had a very skilled hair stylist doing her highlights. Anyway, I digress. I never saw Twister but I was once in a tornado. I remember sitting in the hallway of my aunt’s house with a mattress in front of us and the television in the living room exploded. My uncle had a mullet. I recently found some old pictures and my boyfriend and I laughed at my uncle’s mullet. Did you ever have a mullet? (I almost typed millet there. What is a millet? Is it an oat? I’ve never really known. I should look that up.)

So, I guess you work for a film organization. How do you feel about polygamy in real life? I mean, I know you’re on that show and all. Did you ever hear about those Mormons that massacred all those people in the late 1800s? Apparently they are making a movie about it. Are you affiliated with it at all? Because that would be really interesting if you were. Kind of representing both sides of an issue.

You know what other actor works with a film organization? Robert Redford. He started that Sundance Film Festival. Apparently it is quite successful. They even have a catalog. I receive their catalog actually. I usually just like some of their pieces for the home. They have these gigantic film reels one can hang on their wall. I think they come in a set of three. Does the Texas Film Festival/Organization/Committee have a catalog? It should. It’s Texas. It should have a much better catalog than Sundance. Who the hell wants to go to Utah?

It’s 105 degrees here today. Heat index is predicted to be between 110-112. That’s hot.

Sincerely,
Jen Milam